T.S.O.L, the Southern Californian punk pioneers, will finally be touring Australia this August. MORE: EXCLUSIVE: OCEAN …
If you haven’t gazed upon the epic first Download Australia 2019 line-up announcement yet, where have you been all day? Before the official embargo lifted at 8:30am AEST, Behemoth main man Adam “Nergal” Darski told the world ahead of time on his Instagram @nergal69.
I wish I was making that up. What prompted him to press post, though? Naturally, the Hysteria goon squad came up with a bunch of speculative reasons—please take them with a grain of Himalayan pink salt, fresh ground from some huge overpriced tube.
Denied Strawberry Flavoured Condoms In Rider
Download may have all the bells and whistles of a major international festival, but if you want to save money you fly economy instead of business. I mean, the plane hits the tarmac at the same time no matter where you sit. To shave a couple Zloty off the expense account, the Download folks denied Nergal’s request for Strawberry Flavoured Condoms, channeling his inner (outer?) Gorgoroth. The price for silence is a millimetre thin latex sheath that tastes like ball sweat and melted Fizzers. Not that we’d know.
Satan Told Him To Do It
Nergal’s tight with Beelzebub; he only named one of Behemoth’s albums declaring such. Faced with the temptation of hitting post, Nergal muttered, “No, I must keep this secret until the time draws.” Before he could put the phone back into his pocket, a pint-sized Satan sitting on Nergal’s shoulder downed a Jager bomb, whispering “Fuck that brah, just press send on that shit.” Satan is as Satan does.
Wants To Start Beef With The Amity Affliction
Hardcore superstars The Amity Affliction are billed ahead of Behemoth. This makes Nergal MAD. As a big “pocałuj mnie w dupe” (kiss my ass) he thought to leak the line-up to show his DISGUST at this OUTRAGE. Until someone handed him a beer, of course. Next time, Amity, next time.
Upset He Wasn’t Chosen as Geralt of Rivia in the TV Witcher Adaptation
Nergal doesn’t highlight his darling cheekbones for nothing; as a voice-over artist for video game Apocalipsis: Harry at the End of the World, there would be nothing finer in life than to play the swashbuckling, wise-cracking, and sorceress-seducing Witcher, Geralt of Rivia. It would be a patriotic honour to play Geralt in the new TV adaptation of Polish-made, worldwide-beloved novel and video game phenomenon The Witcher. We know, it went to a literal Superman, but it’s no reason to let slip the Download line-up ahead of schedule. C’mon, Roach! I mean, Nergal.
Cat Walked Across Phone Screen
“Kurwa! Damien, you total idiota! Don’t walk over there, now whole world knows about Download Australia line-up. Ahh, fuck it.” Yes, his cat’s name is Damien. In our minds.
Forgot We Have Non-Daylight Savings Time
Australia has like, four time zones (also a joke about the arcades) and daylight savings time in some of them. Your phone only has so many slots for the world clock. It was just a matter of forgetting to revert back to good ol’ AEST. Or as we like to call it, ÆST.
When has telling an anarchist what to do gone over well?
Wanted to Beat Music Feeds For Once
Music Feeds, aka, “We don’t know the meaning of embargo” is notorious for posting announcements well before release time. “Oh, that damned Music Feeds, for once Nergal wants for first with announcement. Piotr, how do you work this Instaface?,” Nergal might have said in Polish, because he’s Polish.
SLAYER | JUDAS PRIEST | ALICE IN CHAINS
GHOST | RISE AGAINST | THE AMITY AFFLICTION | ANTHRAX
HALESTORM | BEHEMOTH | ME FIRST AND THE GIMME GIMMES
I PREVAIL | CONVERGE | FRENZAL RHOMB | LUCA BRASI
CODE ORANGE | ANDY BLACK | THE FEVER 333
WAR ON WOMEN | HIGH TENSION | OUTRIGHT
RUINS | ALIEN WEAPONRY
PLUS LOADS MORE TO BE ANNOUNCED!
Saturday March 9th // Parramatta Park 18+ event
Monday March 11th Flemington Racecourse // 18+ event (Labour Day Public Holiday)
Tickets for on sale now.