TONY ABBOTT// Local Man Ruins Everything

GWAR featuring Tony Abbott at Soundwave 2014, photo by Matt Palmer

“One of the most extreme right-wing conservative leaders or politicians that the Liberal Party has thrown up.”

[ Former Australian Prime Minister, Kevin Rudd ]

Reports of Tony Abbott’s effectiveness as the current Australian Prime Minister have been greatly exaggerated. I couldn’t give half a fuck about anything but music, men and my over-inflated ego, but before he shuts down my constitutional right to free speech, let’s explore how this creature of the past has ignored the insistence of millions and left our country deeply ashamed of his prehistoric political doctrines.

“The climate change argument is absolute crap, however the politics are tough for us because 80% of people believe climate change is a real and present danger.”

In reference to the Carbon Emissions Scheme, when the cost of action is small, and the cost of inaction could be huge, the response should be change, without question. The conclusive evidence and monitored research of climate trends worldwide proves that exact point. The world is dying and denying its death while holding a position of power is stupefying and discredits climate science with one dismissive backhand. It’s like saying water isn’t wet, or the sky isn’t blue (I know the sky isn’t actually blue, but you know what I mean). If the American Meteorological Society, National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration and NASA all agree it exists, I wonder if Tony Abbott opens his mind to his own hypocrisy when he cranks the air-con at Kirribilli House from the standard 24 °C to 18°C during summer. The wind off Sydney Harbour ain’t as cool as it used to be, is it?

“We just can’t stop people from being homeless if that’s their choice.”

… I can’t even begin with this one. Like, the foundation of knowledge you need to impart on this idiot before you could even begin to drag him out of his sinkhole of ignorance is staggering. This is like What Not To Say In Politics for Dummies. And the fucker read the Cliff notes.

“Jesus knew that there was a place for everything and it’s not necessarily everyone’s place to come to Australia.”

Christ on the cross. The separation of church and state was clearly skimmed over and consequently ignored by our fear-mongering leader. Why can’t we allow internationals to seek asylum and live in the 90% of the country we deem unlivable? No one is going to steal that 2 bed/2 bath luxury apartment that’s Bondi beach adjacent. No one is stealing your job at fucking General Pants and the hipster belljar fruit fiesta cafe on Fitzroy Street. Calm down. Collegiate foreigners are driving your drunken ass home instead of performing surgery/teaching/providing for their families as they would in the very country they are attempting to escape from. Imagine raising your child in an environment of civil war, terrorism, dictatorship and extreme poverty while attempting to avoid being blown into next week (tip your cab drivers, people).

“Abortion is the easy way out. It’s hardly surprising that people should choose the most convenient exit from awkward situations.”

DO YOU KNOW WHAT’S HARDLY FUCKING SURPRISING? The hurricane of shit you’ve received by making hyper-conservative and sexist PUBLIC statements on a woman’s right to terminate unwanted pregnancy, no matter what its instance, and citing excessive promiscuity is to blame. Carrying the child of a man who raped you isn’t “awkward”, it is grotesquely damaging. How you even got ONE female vote is so fucking beyond me my chest hurts from rage even typing this. I’m going to smash my fingers through the fucking keyboard.

GWAR’s  decapitation of Tony Abbott at Soundwave 2014, photo by Matt Palmer

Dishonourable mentions (we could be here all week but here are the highlights):

Opposing same-sex marriage on the basis that it messes unduly with an ancient institution (coincidently, his own), the squandering of public funds, the process of dismantling marine park protection systems, lifting the world heritage list on Tasmanian forests to allow mass harvest of old growth forests … oh, and this little zinger: “I probably feel a bit threatened [by homosexuality], as so many people do.” The PM hates on the gays, too. Right, he’s gone too far. This is a dark stain on a horribly embarrassing time in the history of Australian politics, in a time where we all should be socially conscious and respectful of our planet, ourselves and each other. I need a shower. He is disgusting, so super gross, ew.

Resign, dickhead.