THE HYST LIST // How To Feed Your Parkway-Related Euro Metal Addiction

Parkway Drive released new digital-deluxe cut Devil’s Calling this week, and of course the Internet hated it. It stepped into the path of an oncoming *gasp* European power metal train.

/r/metalcore, hating on PWD

Being a connoisseur of European cheeses…you know the type – power metal, prog-power metal, power-prog metal and every combination thereof – I’m here to transition you to your new life of mullets, toothless battle jackets and dragons. The metalcore existence you knew is over. Resistance is futile. Here, have a powerscream on the house.

Stratovarius – Kiss of Judas

I know what you’re thinking. You don’t want to leave badass metalcore behind because you drive a Nissan Skyline, licence plate PSSYCRSHR. I get it man. Timo Koltipelto of Finnish prog-power metal LEGENDS has that same car, except it’s an four-cylinder Audi. He can’t own another Mercedes, because that falls afoul of those DAMN COMMIE Finns. Look at his lustrous fucking hair. You can tell he pulls mad soup in Tavastia metal club. That’s Finland’s version of Cherry Bar. We think.

Allen-Lande – Where Have the Angels Gone?

This is a collaboration between the Symphony X vocalist Russell Allen (not European) and ex-Ark, former/current Masterplan vocalist Jørn Lande (complete Eurotrash). Produced within an inch of its haggard life, Allen and Lande lock in vocal combat to really, TRULY ask the question, where have the angels gone? They both woke up one day in some remote Danish hut, drinking in the beauty of a Dansk sunrise. Standing over emerald Danish fields dotted with buttercups, they turned to each other. Without a word, clasping hands and shedding not just one tear, they whispered in their progressive European way; (Allen an honourary Euro) Where have the angels gone? Is this philosophy on the levels of Kierkegaard and the other unpronounceables? That’s for the European Court of Justice to decide.

Helloween – Where the Rain Grows

I’m going to give German power metal OGs Helloween a pass on this one, because the Berlin Wall fell only three years prior. Germans were feeling weirder than usual, now that their der Östlich Bruder were exposed to all the decadent imperalist music from the West. That said, they were probably into Nirvana or The Stone Roses…you know, something nurturing their cultural awakening. That is, unless they thought Udo Lindenberg was the be all and end all of what die Westen had to offer. Then this song is totally super.

Hammerfall – Legacy of Kings

If your case of Eurometal fever is FULL BLOWN, picking up a Hammerfall CD is the only cure. Doesn’t matter which one, they’re all the same. Yes, the Europeans have a fetish for meta-metal – heavy metal about heavy metal itself. That means self-referential loops about fire, dragons, steel and oooooWWWWAaaaaHHHH!!! Nutcrunch is real, and you ought fear it.

Sonata Arctica – Replica

Finland’s answer to Stratovarius (also Finnish), Sonata Arctica have their own special European Union import tariff on CHEESE. If sincerity wormed its way into Sonata Arctica, it is very much a mistake. Sonata Arctica is the band that you start pretend-kissing your mates to after sinking a few tanks of piss, not that I’ve ever done that. I do remember pissing in a friend’s dishwasher to this song, which was a good time. I almost got away with it, until some asshole scrawled “TOM PISSED IN YOUR DISHWASHER” on the door. I blew it. BONUS ESL CHEESE: “I fell asleep, I dreamed a dream / I’m floating in a silent stream.” I LOVE YOU TONY KAKKO!

Finntroll – Trollhammaren

BREAK THOSE CHAINS OF STONY FACED SANCTIMONY! Yes, Europeans enjoy actual fun in the pit. It’s not all depressing realisations and hating on your Dad. This song is about “the Troll Hammer,” but it’s in Swedish so I wouldn’t know. I know that “Tillbaka till Samtiden” means “Back to the Present,” and that’s as far as my Svensk gets. Finntroll are actual Finns and actual trolls – you know, the good kind who swill beer and don’t know what an internet connection is. Yes, that is an accordion. Just learn to love it, now.

King Diamond – Abigail

Power metal, like Warhammer and renaissance fairs before it, is almost exclusively the domain of dorks. Most power metal goes so far as to synergise its dorkiness by singing about shit like Warhammer and renaissance fairs. Not so with King ‘The King’ Diamond, no no, here is a dude who only hits the high notes in praise of Satan. Or his grandma. Shit’s rad as hell. Loving your nan will always be cool, kids.—Tom MF Hersey

Europe – The Final Countdown

Kneel before your Euro Gods.

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Parkway Drive’s deluxe edition of IRE is out today through Cooking Vinyl.