STEEL PANTHER// I Swear I Didn’t Fuck Them

Lexxi Foxx is checking his eyeliner in a diamante-encrusted hand mirror. “Aren’t you guys stoked that you’re interviewing the two hottest guys in the band?” I’ve brought my best friend along to the Park Hyatt in Melbourne, Australia because I knew the Steel Panther renegades were going to drown me out with their inappropriate exaggerations. “Yes,” I reply. “We especially requested the two hot babe ones.” They’re both far prettier than us. We let it slide on account of the fact that our hair is real, while theirs isn’t. Satchel leers at us. “You two can interview us all fucking damn day”. Lexxi holds up the gloss he is slathering on his lips. “Granted, the internet’s cool because you can look at girls and shit but this right here, there is a mirror on this lip gloss so I can see what I’m doing … really, look how sexy my lips are.”

MISSION STATEMENTS

Satchel: I don’t know what an adjective is. I was going to ask you that. OK. Apart from pussy and booze, the most descriptive words to describe Steel Panther are—and I want you to listen up, little mama—Bitching. Rad. Awesome. Cool … Bitching.

Lexxi: Hot. It’s all about flames and also how we look.

Satchel: There was a really dark period around the time we came out, it was just, “What the fuck is with these stupid serious pussy fucking bands singing about … stupid shit?” Then we came out and holy crap, Asian Hooker? That’s what we’re about.

MORTALITY

Lexxi: You know what will kill you in LA? Not just your dreams, but literally? If you’re on Sunset Boulevard and you get really excited and you go, “Oh my god The Viper Room!” and you cross the street and don’t look both ways and you get slammed by a car. It happens every day. And all you want to do is go see where River Phoenix choked on his vomit.

Satchel: You know, we could OD anytime. The next time we come here, it’s gonna be like The Wiggles. A whole new line up. We’ll get a new Asian, you know what I mean? I don’t know if you realise, there’s been like 1,700 people in that fucking band.

Lexxi: You know, our singer is 63 years old and has an enlarged heart. He eats cheeseburgers like he doesn’t give a fuck.

Satchel: He’s not going to let people tell him what to do. He could drop dead from cheeseburgers at any minute. He’s probably got cheeseburgers in his blood … system? That’s the word. He’s got a whole chunk of that shit in there.

Would you say his heart is so big because he loves music so much and he wants to share it with the world?

Lexxi & Satchel: NO.

Lexxi: It’s cholesterol, fat and sugar.

“If you want to fuck, drop the fuck out of school. Take all that money you were going to spend on college and buy fucking drugs with it.”

[ Satchel ]

HOW TO ROCK

Satchel: Going to college is the antithesis of heavy fucking metal. If you want to fuck, drop the fuck out of school. Take all that money you were going to spend on college and buy fucking drugs with it. You will have so much more fun by the time you die. You’re going to go into debt, you’re going to owe the government and all the stress … oh man. You’re not going to be able to do drugs and then you’re going to have to pay all that shit back while you work some shitty fucking desk job. We’re making hundreds of dollars a week right now, banging bitches every fucking night and drinking beer.

Lexxi: See how smart he is? HE JUST DID THAT RIGHT NOW IN FRONT OF YOU. He didn’t even finish eighth grade.

Satchel: Heavy Metal 101, by Satchel.

Lexxi: I would be in the front fucking row with a pencil.

GETTING SLAYED & LAID

Satchel: You know who knows how to fuck? Old people. They’ve been doing it for years. Their pussies be getting big.

Lexxi: Like mudflaps, have you seen an old lady’s pussy? Disgusting.

Satchel: They figure out how to use their legs in certain positions and they hang on for dear life. A lot of people don’t want to get old, but you get laid all the fucking time. You know why? You’ve got no standards.

Lexxi: And you know what? When you’re old, you forget shit, so you’d be like, “Oh, this is my first time!”

Have you experienced this personally?

Satchel: Do you think I just make this shit up? //