THE HYST LIST // Tips For Keeping It Heavy At Work

Keeping it heavy in the workplace is hard. Damned hard.

Even though “But it’s 2016!” is only a valid argument with a dodgy calendar seller, punks and metalheads are still the lone wolf weirdos in the button-down, top-40 loving corporate world. Can you make your cubicle, also known as your WAGE SLAVE PRISON, yanno, heavier? Most punk and metal stuff is contraband according to by-law 45, subsection 2, paragraph B of your employment contract, but there are still some ways around it. We’ve found them, so you don’t have to. MOSH ON! In the most sedate, professional way possible.

Hire Bruce Dickinson to Fire Up Your Productivity™

Pilot. Entrepreneur. Lead singer of Iron Maiden™. The complete Bruce Dickinson PACKAGE. Yours for hire for only £25,000! (Yes really.) Bruce Dickinson is a savvy businessman and an effective public speaker – I’ve seen him shout at me and I walked away EMPOWERED to KILL THE BEAST! The beast I’m slaying is LOW MOTIVATION! If you think keynote speaking on business is for wimps and posers, tell it to Lord Bruce over here. I think you’ll walk away transformed. His analogy on the music industry (in the video) is quite enlightening. Say Bruce, tell me more… – Tom Valcanis

Buy a Black Flag Coffee Mug


This way you’re just another asshole bringing their quirky mug into the office, but every time you hit the kitchen for another cup you’re reminded of the deep rage and massive self-loathing that burns inside you. It fortifies your belief that you don’t belong there. You’re better than this. So much fucking better. The pain of superiority scalds you, just like this “free” Nescafe Blend 43 work provides. Wow, if this is ‘good’ after 43 tries, the last 42 must have been total ass-pissing shit. Yeah, it’s called alternative humour. I’m just too EDGY for these SHEEPLE. – Tom MF Hersey

Put up a Jane Doe poster in your cubicle


“Oh? What’s that? You’ve never heard that fucking epic transition between Phoenix In Flight and Phoenix In Flames? Or violently car moshed your dashboard into oblivion in that build-up around the 1 minute mark in The Broken Vow? M8!. You have not lived! … And yeah, they’re definitely a bit heavier than Nickelback, but give them a go anyway.” – Owen Morawitz

Have all your vinyl delivered to work


There’s nothing worse than returning home to a “We Missed You!” card slipped in your door. You KNOW it’s the new 180g Full Dynamic Range virgin vinyl of Altars of Madness but you can’t even get it until, shit, tomorrow. There’s a solution – pop work’s address on the packing label. When it arrives, it’s popped on your desk so everyone can see that big brown square of happiness. You can make enthused sounds as you’re tearing at the package so everyone notices. Cue the inevitable “I thought vinyl was obsolete!” comments from self-satisfied baby boomers. Fuck you, Grandpa. Vinyl is the FUTURE. – Tom Valcanis

Wearing #edgy merch on casual dress day


Nothing says ‘I’m conscious of my position as part of the corporate, slave-to-the-capitalist-grind machine, and I don’t much care for it, but like, I have bills to pay too you know’ like repping that band merch on a Friday, amongst a sea of Tarocash and Rivers apparel. That Shai Hulud hoodie emblazoned with ‘THE PROFOUND HATRED OF MAN’, or that Mindsnare tee with a pentagram and a wicked looking Baphomet, really serves to underscore your work ethic and commitment to cleaning the break room fridge every fortnight because someone added you to that stupid roster without asking. Like you even care anyway. Keep those headphones in and pretend not to hear their inane conversations about ‘the weekend’, who’s winning on Masterchef, and their dumb, mouth-breathing offspring. – Owen Morawitz

Work in some kind of factory


Heavy metal was born in the clanging smelters of Birmingham, UK. Punk rock is all about working class rebellion and telling Thatcher to shove it. Working in a factory means you can tattoo yourself rotten, wear long hair (in a net, OH&S lad) and generally act like a deviant. I know working in a factory requires actual effort and doesn’t put your sociology degree to “use,” but hey – it’s more metal than sitting in an office! Fatso. – Tom Valcanis

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