The School of Life, a UK collective dedicated to bettering mental health through philosophy, says …
The blazing orb above us sears the skin of alabaster innocents. It waits as we devour the flesh of the flightless ones. We prepare for willow striking leather, tortured cries of acolytes ringing out into a Coliseum of pain. You know, just an average Aussie metalhead Christmas. (I’m talking about sunburn, turkey, and cricket, for those who don’t speak Corpsegrinderese.)
I don’t know about you, but Christmas in Europe and the UK is kind of a big deal. When it comes to the UK, bands and pop artists launch massive campaigns to nab the #1 single spot for Christmas, and have done since the first charts appeared in the New Musical Express (now NME) in 1952. Killing In The Name appeared in the 2009 chart after fans pushed people to purchase or stream the Rage Against The Machine classic. (The only other rock band to feature in the charts was Pink Floyd in 1979.) Antipodean metal bands get high on Christmas spirit too; his majesty King Diamond did his evil take on it with No Presents for Christmas, with our venerated Metal God Rob Halford ho-ho-ho-ing into the snowy holiday with an entire album of Winter Songs. Zakk Wylde couldn’t let his Euro brethren take all the cheer, and released his own Glorious Christmas Songs That Will Make Your Black Label Heart Feel Good. Citation needed on that one, Zakky boy.
So what does one get a steel-belted headbanger for Christmas anyway? We’ve got a few suggestions to make your shopping (read: clicking) easier.
Papa Emeritus Concave Sweater
Ave Satanas! The dark clergy of Ghost compels you to rug up beside a yuletide flame with this stylish Papa Emeritus sweater! Summon the demon hordes in style this Christmas!
Marshall Mini MS-4 Stack
Like everything metal, we prefer it when everything’s dialed up to 11—so why not rock out with a mobile pair of mini Marshall stacks? This features two speakers, because mono is for posers.
Slayer Steel Pentagram Tankard
Slayer fans and beer go together like whiskey and more whiskey. A Slayer tankard is the perfect companion for any full-tilt thrasher … and it’s forged in STEEL. Not to be confused with Tankard’s Slayer. (I kid.) Why not pair it with some Iron Maiden Trooper Beer, or Megadeth A Tout Le Monde stout?
M is for Metal Alphabet Book
Who says you can’t start ‘em early? M is For Metal is the loudest way to teach your kid the alphabet, featuring something ultra brutal for each and every letter.
Fantoft Stave Church Candle
For the grimmest black metal fan, we have the Burning Church Candle. Modeled after the Fantoft Stave Church in Bergen, Norway, it’s like committing arson, but smaller! Oh, and less illegal.
Metal Gift Wrap
Make even the whitest, plainest pair of tube socks metal af with Nuclear Blast’s very own metal, double-sided gift wrap. You get cards, tags, wrapping paper, and more!
Download Festival Australia Ticket
Spoil your long-haired, perpetually broke metalhead, with heavy favs Sabaton, Nails, Korn, Prophets Of Rage, Mastodon, Amon Amarth, Gojira, Arch Enemy, Alpha Wolf, Cursed Earth, King Parrot and more … They’ll love it, guaranteed!
From AU$169.90 + booking fee SHOP >
‘Sleigher’ Santa design by www.teepublic.com/user/apsketches
Disclaimer: Hysteria makes no promises that these gifts will keep your house safe from candle related burns, headbanging injuries, noise complaints or anything related to your use of our awesome selections.